Really Awful Movies

Rob Zombie’s Halloween reboot was a lurid disappointment, perhaps because the source material was practically untouchable. Still, that one’s worth a look as Zombie’s a dynamite filmmaker even if Malcom McDowell should have had tobacco shoved into his gob as he’s chewing the scenery so egregiously.

The original Prom Night is a very minor classic in the horror cinema canon. So murdering it beyond dental record recognition is not as much of a biggie.

And make no mistake, this Prom Night remake is pretty bad. [Check out our podcast comparing the two movies]

It’s no surprise director Nelson McCormick is a veteran of NYPD Blue and Criminal Minds, as this one has the trappings of mainstream police procedural all over it. There’s even a MacGuffin in the form of a shawl worn by one of the deceased that has sentimental meaning that comes into play later, and also features poor Idris Elba (Stringer Bell, The Wire) as a local police detective.

Instead of the “accidental” death from the first movie, teen Donna (Brittany Snow) returns home to find her brother murdered and a maniac dispatching her mom while she cowers under the bed.

She’s raised by an auntie and uncle and the film flash forwards three years and Donna still has PTSD and pops pills to cope with the torment.

Instead of suburban Toronto this one was filmed in Pasadena and these kids male and female, are all so preternaturally good-looking they look like they’ve recently posed for head shots.

The bad girls are indistinguishable from the primped and pampered good girls, as the alphas from both groups vie for the title of Prom Queen.

All the while, the usual horror staple (the escaped mental patient) drives the plot and knives into bodies.

Instead of a high school, this prom is set in a fancy-pants hotel with some of the worst security measures imaginable including room swipe cards that read “master” for room service staff. Though not as ridiculous as the first Prom Night, there are still some age-related howlers including a trio of girls getting hit on by men that look like their contemporaries who they find old and creepy. Hey, better to look like college freshmen than grad students, if you’re going to cast a prom movie.

Unnecessary and not even the saving grace of copious nudity.

** (out of 5)

[Full disclosure : the other half of the Really Awful Movies Team is an Associate Producer on Killer Rack]

Push-up bra pushover Betty is being passed over for office promotions in
Killer Rack, the latest from Slime City director Greg Lamberson.

The lesser endowed Buffalonian, who’s not just the breast but also the butt, so to speak, of office jokes (“do they make that top in women’s sizes?”) also has an indifferent to her — though extremely-attentive-to-the-ample-bosomed employees — boss and a sleazebag, strip-club favoring ingrate boyfriend Dutch. Dutch is unable to commit important dates to memory but remembers the exact time he bought their pet turtle (subject of a terrific gag).

One night, Betty stumbles across a cheesy infomercial: It’s a hilarious spot (“that’s right, ugly person!”) for a non-board certified plastic surgeon, Dr. Thulu, and it proves enticing

Betty runs the self-improvement-through-scalpel idea by her psychiatrist, Dr
Foin. He’s played by an outstanding Lloyd Kaufman, channeling his inner 19th century Austrian headshrinker.

He tells her, “changing part of your anatomy is a superficial boost to your self-esteem,” but he too is trivialities-obsessed and only becomes interested when she mentions she wants to talk ta-tas.
Betty doesn’t heed his words and makes a visit to the Bride of Frankenstein headquarters of the sleazy plastic surgeon (or is that redundant?), who has an assistant that takes surreptitious snaps and posts them online.

The doc Thulu, played by the unfailingly awesome scream queen vet Debbie Rochon, equips her with Betty Boob proportions and all hell (and killer mammaries) break loose.

Soon the “pair” has a mind of their own, trapping the boyfriend’s hand in cleavage and exacting revenge on two catcalling head-bangers, one of whom is pierced by EEEs in an A-mazing scene.

Any sense of propriety is tossed aside by the time her “dirty pillows” start sprouting sarlac-pit like teeth and Lovecraftian tentacles.

Killer Rack is fun and playful, playing with movie conventions (a cop and his rookie partner, Bartles and James, chat about useless exposition in a diner and a homicide detective is chastised for his ineffectual double entendres). It’s also an incisive commentary on our superficial, beauty obsessed society.

The movie even features a really amazing song and dance number, perhaps not as good as Poultrygeist, but a lot of fun nonetheless. Relative unknown Jessica Zwolak is utterly charming and committed in the lead, and the movie features great performances all around, including Micheal O’ Hear and Alexander S. McBryde as the aforementioned plain clothes officers and Michael Thurber as Betty’s malevolent boss.

And that’s not all: there’s a bad-ass punk rock title song that even manages to sneak in a snippet of the Buffalo Bills’ fight song.

It’s great to see our unfairly much-maligned little border brother so prominently featured in a film. We love Buffalo, and we love Killer Rack too. It’s a bloody riot, delivering gore and guffaws in equal measure.

You’ll never be able to hear the phrase “got milk” the same way ever again.

***1/2 (out of 5) or **** if you’re not averse to a movie that features a peppy musical number about “funbags.”

LISTEN TO OUR KILLER RACK PODCAST, FEATURING DIRECTOR GREG LAMBERSON AND THE FILM’S CAST.