Don’t Go in the Woods

dontgointhewoodsposterDon’t Go in the Woods introduces itself via a Teddy Bears’ Picnic musical retread, but instead, we get a lyrical switcheroo to “don’t go out in the woods tonight, you probably will be killed…”

It’s a great start, a jaunty, chilling tune…and DGITW is a slasher clad in natural horror furs. When campers start getting picked off one by one, a search party/posse heads out to find out what’s wrong, just as they would if a bear were roaming too close to their campsites. The involvement of law enforcement early on is what separates Don’t Go in the Woods from most slashers, where cops usually only show up with 5 minutes to spare in order to throw a comfy blanket around the Final Girl and rope the scene off with yellow police tape.

Guess you could say Don’t Go in the Woods is a different kind of beast altogether, even more low budget than the kind of 80s slasher film that became so interchangeable between 1981 and 1985.

The film got caught up in the Video Nasties panic in the 80s, but truth by told, it is nowhere near as depraved and sleazy as Don’t Answer the Phone or The Hills Have Eyes, and that’s probably because of the incredibly fake Herschell Gordon Lewis-colored blood, definitely ballpark hot dog-ready.

The plot? It couldn’t be more simple: Four backpackers are traipsing about the backwoods of Utah. When they shouldn’t be.

It’s a gorgeous backdrop, the soundtrack is ominous…but this thing is one hot mess. Don’t Go in the Woods is…to put it kindly…episodic. Or to put it less so, incoherent.

A cub-scout leader-type offers his 3 key survival tips for being out in the bush, each lukewarmly received by his mates. Tip #3? Don’t Go in the Woods…alone (the film’s other title, FYI).

dontgointhewoods_killerAll the while, other campers, in whom we have no investment, are butchered in rather unconvincing fashion by this fellow (left), a backwoods loon with no backstory.

What we’re left with is a kind of video nasty version of Big Foot meets Friday the 13th…but apart from a few stabbings…it’s fairly tepid stuff (and no nudity either).

But one can’t help but admire the independent spirit that went into this, a connective tissue that puts it in the company of some of the uber-low budget horrors sent our way.

By their own admission, none of the cast claimed to be actors. And you won’t know any of director James Bryan’s other 19 films, save for The Executioner Part II.

Not even a must-see for horror completists.

*1/2 (out of 5)

[CHECK OUT OUR DON’T GO IN THE WOODS PODCAST]

Bunny the Killer Thing

Foreign horrors often benefit from cultural unfamiliarity. Bunny the Killer Thing (2015) is one such film. Not that it’s unwatchable by any means, but it carries with it a kind of societal advantage of not being set on these shores, upping the interest level that might not otherwise have been there.

A raunchy Finnish horror/comedy (with English and Finnish breezily interspersed), Bunny the Killer Things brings the fun + gore, while suffering from laughs lost in translation. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t an interesting viewing exercise, if only to get a better understanding of Finnish culture — one that’s more holistic than you might glean from watching an NHL game.

Tuomas, a pant-pissing hipster whose face is bisected by a very punchable mustache, has a rich uncle who’s offered him use of his fancy cabin in the woods. Yes, this is a cabin in the woods movie, replete with the trappings of Finnish culture (it’s got saunas, and clear spirits are the go-to beverage choice).

En route to their wintry getaway, Tuomas and friends come across a car that’s broken down, driven by three, somewhat seedy Brits…however it’s not one of THOSE kinds of movies.

Back in town, a mad scientist has injected an unwilling patient with a serum, and he’s busted loose from his confines possessing….not er, superhuman strength but large furry rabbit physicality (while retaining some parts of his human anatomy intact, for some, shall we say “interesting” POV shots).

This hare/humanoid thing escapes into the dark woods, then goes after the Finns, as well as their newfound British compatriots, and they have to band together to tackle the sicko bunny.

This sounds like a pretty straight-up creature feature, but this is bawdy stuff. And even if this is Nordic, the tone is really all over the map.

The leads are dynamite though, particularly Jari Manninen as Mise, an N-bomb dropping bigot who soon becomes fast drinking friends with Nigerian-Brit Tim (Orwi Manny Ameh).  Their relationship is sweetly unexpected. The female leads are great too, including Veera W. Vilo as the conniving Nina, and her unrequited love interest Sara (Enni Ojutkangas).

Park your brain in neutral and go with it.

*** (out of 5)

[For those who are interested, on Episode 38 of the Really Awful Movies Podcast, we chat about the killer bunny feature, Night of the Lepus]