10 Cloverfield Lane

Every year one or two critic-friendly horrors come down the pike, which critics deign worthy of think-pieces and drench with (over) praise. In 2017, it was Get Out, and in 2016, it was 10 Cloverfield Lane, one of those “oh my, I’ve woken up and I don’t know the circumstances of how I got here,” kinds of horrors, a conceit that has built-in narrative steam that can power a film at least a third of the way through at least.

Here, it’s Michelle (Mary Elizabeth Winstead of Scott Pilgrim vs the World), who gets into a car accident in Louisiana and finds herself in a basement chained to a wall. For someone who’s been through that much trauma, she’s still (unbelievably) central casting pretty, bangs hanging just so, and as she reaches for her cellphone with her crutches, her lean trim body distracts from the plot.

Her appearance is a byproduct of 10 Cloverfield Lane’s slickness, a JJ Abrams co-production which could actually have benefited from a lower budget, considering it takes place in a subterranean bunker built by ex-Navy man, Howard (an incredible turn by John Goodman). Michelle finds she’s with a co-captive, John, a forgettable Tom Green-alike and together they’re informed by their captor, that he’s really their savior — that the external milieu has been poisoned by some kind of nuclear attack and that they’re stuck underground, indefinitely. Is he telling the truth? Or is he bonkers?

This is a dynamite idea.

However, the film’s pulled in so many different directions, none of which wields enough force* to consistently generate scares. Is it a Cold War throwback? An alien attack flick? A cloistered claustrophobic horror?

Director Dan Trachtenberg gamely keeps the audience guessing, but when the inevitable happens and the captured duo consider their options, it doesn’t generate the impact it might’ve.

[*Editors’ note: And as an aside, we’re sorta sick of how quickly film characters recover from a beer bottle to the head. That friggin’ hurts. It’s not the kind of thing that can be brushed off while you continue doing what you’re doing, especially swung with the force of Sammy Sosa in his steroid-abusing prime]

*** (out of 5)

 

 

 

New Year’s Evil

A hybrid of New York Ripper, Don’t Answer the Phone! and Black Christmas, New Year’s Evil combines the mouth-breather phone harassment elements of all three, with the time-sensitive release of the latter.

Yet another in a long line of calendar-dependent horror films (Mother’s Day, Hospital Massacre, aka, Be My Valentine, Or Else…, Halloween, Silent Night, Deadly Night) New Year’s Evil also tapped into the nascent New Wave music scene, and unlike some of its ridiculous brethren, actually acquits itself quite well as far as music is concerned. The title track is simply outstanding, with a drop-D tuning riff that could be Jimmy Page, that lilts into operatic Phantom of the Paradise territory.

So what if the film can’t strike the same musical chord, quality-wise.

The plot? Some sicko with mommy issues is hunting down the host of a New Year’s eve special, along with other victims, and killing them according to the stroke of midnight across multiple time-zones. That in of itself is a pretty nifty idea.

But unlike back-end loaded denouements, New Year’s Evil reveals its hand off the bat: we all see the killer (a young-ish looking Bruce Jenner-type). However, we don’t know WHO exactly he is or what his motivations are…

Since this is a Cannon Group production, New Year’s Evil supplies us with scenes that are so tonally off, they’d require a tuning fork. To wit: a bunch of mental patients getting down to the sounds of Shadow, the band ripping through New Year’s Evil, and the inmates all wearing straitjackets!

The kills are fairly pedestrian, but like Black Christmas there’s a pretty substantial plastic bag asphyxiation scene. And like New York Ripper and Don’t Answer the Phone!, the killer disguises his voice as he makes threatening calls.

Ultimately though, you’ll hang up on this one.

** (out of 5)

[Check out our New Year’s Evil podcast discussion!]