Talent is subjective. Who knows? There very well may be people out there who don’t care for what we do or how we do it. Fair enough. We would gladly offer ourselves up as sacrificial victims in a Troma horror movie if that’ll help.
However, our sphere of influence is but a smidgen of a smidgen of the people we we’re glad to see die in horror movies — celebrities who’ve taken more from the entertainment industry, and sometimes society, than they’ve put in. We at RAM wish the best for everyone, but some we wish more for than others. Here are 10 bottom-feeding celebrities we admit to getting some degree of joy seeing them meet their maker, on screen at least.
1. Paris Hilton (House of Wax)
Kim Kardashian is a scourge. A “celebutante” — that modern plague of celebrity who contributes zilch to society, has no discernable talent yet craves the limelight and is somehow able to generate public interest. While Mrs. West is the most egregious of this breed, the godmother of the modern celebutante is one Ms. Paris Hilton.
In the early 2000’s, one could not consume any media without being bombarded by Hilton’s unsightly mug. Like Kim K., Hilton’s fame began with a sex tape and continued into reality television. The no-talent socialite than had the gall to fancy herself a singer and spat in the face of every hard-working, talented musician struggling to earn a living by releasing the debacle LP Paris, which to this day has sold an anemic 600,000 copies worldwide.
In light of this, it was oh so satisfying to see the Hilton Hotel chain heiress bite it in the 2005 remake of The House of Wax. Paris played Paige Edwards, a role that was initially envisioned for actual actresses Kate Winslet or Jennifer Connelly. However, once Hilton signed on, the rest of the cast and screenplay were reconfigured to revolve around her. As such, her inane catchphrase “That’s hot” was sprinkled liberally into the script.
When you’re remaking (or re-imagining, or whatever they want to call it) a Vincent Price classic (itself a remake) you must tread very, very carefully. Nonetheless, as far as post-Scream horror flicks go, House of Wax isn’t too bad. But it becomes fucking great when Paris’ Paige wakes to find her boyfriend stabbed in the neck. After the obligatory run, scream and chase, Paris arrives in some sort of garage and gets sliced in the back of her foot. She continues to run and hides in an unlocked (naturally) car. The killer finds her, she gets out, hobbles until she’s unable to any longer, then hides behind another car. Upon peeking over the vehicle, the killer spots her, hurls a long, sharp piece of scrap metal and impales her dead centre in the forehead. The pipe goes right through the back of Paris’s head as her lifeless corpse slumps forward oozing blood. Now that’s hot.
2. Meat Loaf (Trapped)
Meat Loaf is not only the 15th worst thing about prison; It’s also the name of the portly singer best known for 1972’s mega-seller and rock radio staple Bat Out of Hell and the admittedly awesome “Paradise by the Dashboard Light.”
However, after the monster success of Bat, Meat Loaf’s career floundered. Then in 1993, like a bat out of hell (sorry) he inexplicably came roaring back with Bat out of Hell II: Back into Hell which featured the inescapable hit “I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That). Yet Loaf never specified what “That” was and for that sin he deserves to die. Kidding! Rather, Meat Loaf makes our list for being a conservative blowhard who criticized a bill removing prayer in school in Rhode Island. He also makes our list for being a lackey to the loathsome Donald Trump in the 2011 edition of Celebrity Apprentice.
Meat Loaf did meet his maker in The Rocky Horror Picture show, but he was still sort of OK back then. His descent into irrelevancy began after his inexplicable 90s comeback, and in 2001 Loaf appeared in the TV movie Trapped. In Trapped, arsonists set a hotel-casino on fire and a rag-tag group (is there ever any other kind?) must band together to survive. Of course some will but many won’t. Meat Loaf’s character thankfully belongs to the latter group. “Out of the frying Pan (and Into the Fire”) indeed when Loaf’s character falls to his death as the floor of the burning hotel collapses out from under him.
3. Fergie (Planet Terror)
As hard as it is to believe now, there once was a time when The Black Eyed Peas were a respected alternative hip-hop group inspired by the likes of A Tribe Called Quest and De La Soul. Allmusic.com described their 1998 debut album Behind the Front as “insightful” and “original.”
Black Eyed Peas and insightful and original became an oxymoron in 2003 when a convergence of two events turned BEP into one of the most risible bands of the new millennium: First, band leader Will I. Am lost the plot completely, and second, Stacy “Fergie” Ferguson came into the fold. Soon, BEP where rapping about humps and lady lumps, urging listeners to “get it started”, “pump it” and other platitudes and writing the Bar Mitzvah song to end all Bar Mitzvah songs in “I’ve Gotta Feeling”.
Things did not improve one bit on Fergie’s 2006 solo album The Duchess, described by Allmusic as “An endurance test like few other pop albums issued during the early 2000s”. The album spawned the horrendous single “London Bridge”, a blatant rip-off of Gwen Stefani’s “Hollaback Girl” in which the chanteuse croons the inspiring couplet “How come every time you come around…my London London Bridge want to go down.”
In 2007, she appeared in the Robert Rodriguez directed segment of the woefully underappreciated collaboration with Quentin Tarantino, Grindhouse. In Planet Terror, a chemical agent is released, causing a rural Texas town’s residents to turn into bloodthirsty, psychopathic, malformed zombies. Fergie plays Tammy who is heading into the town to reunite with her former lover. Thankfully, the Duchess’s car breaks down and she is forced to hitch a ride. She’s promptly attacked by the infected who rip her to pieces and drag her inert body off the road. Woe that Will I. Am wasn’t in the vehicle along with her.
4. Kelly Osbourne and 5. Perez Hilton (Sharknado 2: The Second One)
Like others on our list, Kelly Osbourne achieved her notoriety through reality TV, though minus a sex tape. Too bad, as we could’ve illustrated one of the principles of economics, “supply and demand.”
On The Osbournes, Kelly appeared alongside brother Jack, mom Sharon, and horror and metal icon Ozzy. She was profane, bratty, funny and brash. We liked her then.
Sometime between The Osbournes’ cancellation and the present day, Kelly was deigned a fashion guru. She began to appear on the E! Network show Fashion Police alongside the late Joan Rivers, human lollipop/stop-sign Giuliana Rancic and George Kotsiopoulos (say that three times fast!) This was not the same spunky starlet we remembered. Kelly 2.0 is fascinated by the eternally inane question “Who are you wearing?” She discusses haute couture while dissecting the 360 Degree Glam Cam.
Bottom-feeding gossip blogger and all-around bon vivant Perez Hilton is simply one of the most annoying humans on the planet. Enough said.
Admittedly, Sharknado 2: The Second One is a ridiculous movie, but it is notable for a number of Z-grade celebrity cameos, many of whom go to the great big aquarium in the sky. Osbourne plays a flight attendant who gets her head bitten off by an airborne shark while Hilton plays a NYC subway commuter who gets swept away by underground shark infested waters. Unfortunately Billy Ray Cyrus, who plays a doctor, survives to see the credits roll but should have bit it for the sin of siring that disgusting daughter of his.
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