Nail Gun Massacre

Nail_GunSeldom has a film lived up to its billing. You want nail guns? You want massacres? You want nail guns AND massacres? Well, cut-rate mob-approved contractor, you’ve come to the right place. It’s Nail Gun Massacre.

The elevator pitch for this one doesn’t even require going up one floor: Construction workers rape a woman and a mysterious vigilante who looks like a Power Ranger, exacts his revenge. He does this while wearing a motorcycle helmet. Safety first.

Who among us who isn’t presently under the employ of Habitat for Humanity, hasn’t thought of how cool it would be to fire off a few rounds into the fat ass of a particularly annoying boss?

The killer comes complete with 80s-style catchphrases (“Okay turd-face, cut the small talk”) and in his tool-belt,  enough anger to send many a victim to that great home renovation center in the sky. This 1985 flick was perhaps not surprisingly, about as ill-received as a house that’s not built to code. Still, it’s a lot of fun.

*** (out of 5)

End of the Line

End_of_the_LineAll aboard…the night train!
James Brown

Predating the craptacular Midnight Meat Train (no meat was harmed during the production) is another public transit-themed horror, End of the Line. In both, it seems commuters have decided to eschew the subway in favor of other modes of transit as subway systems in Philadelphia and Toronto respectively, are woefully underused.

Ilona Elkin plays a skittish psychiatric nurse Karen who’s spooked riding the rails by a menacing figure who resembles a perverted Roger Federer, which some might call a backhanded compliment. He seems to be the only wayfaring stranger not only trains, but also at the subway platform.

Karen then, along with a good Samaritan, other unlucky riders and a couple of paranoid union types, is besieged by a group of crucifix-knife wielding Jesus-freak types who’re called into violent action by a pager message. And…well, you know the rest.

There’s the usual infighting, the randy virgin, the interrupted nudity, the He-Man who grabs an axe and rallies the group – but it’s all shot with ample panache. There are a few bona fide scares to be had.

In End of the Line, director Maurice Devereux makes great use of Lower Bay, a station mostly unknown to Torontonians that’s used for film shoots or when there are problems with the TTC – so, fairly frequently.

Though Toronto isn’t explicitly mentioned in the film, there are entirely accurate references to a non-functioning PA system that’s been like that since the subway opened, which will strike riders of the TTC as bleakly familiar.

*** (out of 5).