Really Awful Movies

Babysitter Massacre

You don’t have to do this!
You think after all this work, I’m going to be swayed by THAT?
Babysitter Massacre

On our podcast, we discussed clichés we dislike in horror movies, two of our least favorite being, a) “why are you doing this to me?” (isn’t it obvious, he’s a drooling psychopathic freak!) and b) “You don’t have to do this.” (well, he kinda does…see, a). So we were pleasantly surprised when Babysitter Massacre toyed with this convention.

Rubenesque babysitter Linda convinces the kid in her charge to take a nap while she takes a relaxing bath, but within minutes she’s the babysitter in the “babysitter and the man upstairs” urban legend, except the threatening calls are texts and the man’s got pliers.

The harassing / taunting phone call convention was well-played in the Canadian classic, Black Christmas and it’s interesting to see it deftly handled with current technology here.

Teen babysitters reunite as adults on Halloween, including one (tough girl, Bianca) on whom compatriot April’s death was blamed. Despite it being nearly a decade hence, the girls don’t forgive easily, accusing her of cowardice for not adhering to the buddy system and leaving April in the clutches of a maniac.

Bygones will not be bygones and soon Bianca’s gone, leaving the reunion and heading out to a Halloween party in Akron, Ohio.

In her absence, the ex babysitters’ club members get down to doing what victims did in the mid-80s: have pillow fights, try on lingerie and hit the booze. Meanwhile, locals are being preyed upon by a man in a white stocking mask and army jacket.

Babysitter Massacre is a very faithful, deft throwback to The House on Sorority Row and movies of that ilk (they even reference Sorority House Massacre) and astute viewers will recognize similarities to Halloween (the girl in bed mistaking the killer in disguise for her boyfriend and telling him to “knock it off, that’s getting creepy,” etc.). It’s way more sharply written and compellingly acted than it has any right to be. Erin R. Ryan as a small-town Midwestern girl-next-door is a delight.

Don’t let the title sway you: Babysitter Massacre is in many ways an improvement over its 80s brethren. The film’s got lots of nudity, terrific cinematography for such a low budget, crack dialogue and some genuine thrills courtesy of a straight razor. There’s even thoughtful musings on the nature of loss and grieving.

***1/2 (out of 5)

CHECK OUT OUR CHAT WITH BABYSITTER MASSACRE DIRECTOR HENRIQUE COUTO ON THE REALLY AWFUL MOVIES PODCAST

Funeral Home

Funeral Home from 1980 is a murder mystery starring the lovely Lesleh Donaldson (Curtains, Deadly Eyes). As the film begins, Donaldson’s Heather is dropped off in an unnamed rural American town (in actuality Elora, Ontario) bags in hand. Seems she’s been tasked with helping her Grandma, Mrs. Chalmers, turn the former family funeral home into a “Tourist Home.”

As Heather walks down the long path to the house (why the cabbie couldn’t just drop her off in front of the door we couldn’t say) she spots a black cat that follows her until a blue van pulls up and the motorist offers her a ride. She jumps in the car – as relieved to be saved from the ferocious feline as she would had it been Leatherface chasing her instead.

The motorist is young Rick whose brother Joe works as the town’s deputy sheriff. Heather and Rick strike up a fast friendship and she is dropped off in front of the home which looks quite similar to the haunted Bayou mansion in Fulci’s The Beyond. She is greeted by Mrs. Chalmers, who from the looks of things doesn’t really need the help as the tourist house is hopping with more guests staying there than do on an average episode of Gordon Ramsay’s Hotel Hell.

Grandma, who has quite the flower fetish, needs the assistance as she’s all alone in this cold, cruel world after her husband upped and disappeared. Come to think of it, many have upped and disappeared in the small town although the local sheriff doesn’t seem too concerned. Deputy Joe does though and conducts his own investigation, especially after two of Mrs. Chalmer’s guests also go missing (they’re actually at the bottom of the local swimming quarry, having been pushed off the edge by an unknown motorist.)

Grandma does have some other help in the form of the cemetery caretaker Billy who lives in a shed behind the house and who’s “not very bright” as are most caretakers in films from this era. Besides serving as an obvious red herring, Billy also bears an uncanny resemblance to Donnie Wahlberg.

Strange noises and conversations emanating from the basement pique Heather’s curiosity and lead her to think that all may not be right with Grandma.

Funeral Home has a relatively low body count and minimal grue. Plus, for a murder mystery, the film has a resolution that a myopic could see on a foggy day (to mention which Hitchcock film Funeral Home pays homage to/rips off would be to spoil the dénouement completely.) Still, the film has a certain charm and Kay Hawtry overacts just the right amount to make her portrayal of Grandma Chalmers a hoot. As such, Funeral home is worth a short stay.

*** (out of five)