Terror in the Jungle

Terror_in_the_jungleIf you threw a 60s beach movie and Airport 79 into a blender (with equal parts Alive and Cannibal Ferox), you’d have a Terror in the Jungle smoothie.

Disparate characters arrive for a flight to Rio, including what sounds like the beginning of a joke (a nun, an actress, and a business man). Also along for the ride, a foppish rock band and Terror in the Jungle’s de facto star, young Henry, a kid in a red blazer with a stuffed tiger under his arm, who is led onto the tarmac by pops for his first flight. And what a flight.

When the plane runs into mechanical difficulties, the pilots decide to dump luggage, an interesting strategy as commercial airlines have pressurized luggage compartments that cannot be opened. Here though, it includes the luggage stored in the overhead bins. How this gambit would affect the overall drag is anyone’s guess, but this was 1967. Was it worth having one of the nuns sucked out the door? Probably not.

The plane emergency lands in the Amazon jungles of Peru — nothing too strange about that — but what was strange is that the entire film’s credits rolled at the beginning, including catering, drivers, grips, etc and then 10 minutes into the film, a crawler thanks the government of Peru for making it all possible!

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These minstrels will soothe my jangled nerves!

Henry survives (he’s one of the lucky ones) and floats down river in a blue boat (where this boat came from, anyone’s guess). Local rescuers in a float-plane, descend into the jungle, and…they’re set upon by sun-worshiping Inca descendants with blow-guns!

Young Henry spends the bulk of his time crying. Fair enough, he’s 7. This is interrupted briefly when the natives begin treating the blonde youngster like a god, bestowing offerings and having village girls give him ablutions. Village elders decide whether to sacrifice the boy when the weather proves overcast for several days.

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His frequent tears do not befit a deity

Meanwhile, there are unconvincing cutaways to a slew of rain forest fauna, including jaguars, anacondas and crocodiles. All the while, poor little Henry bawls his little eyes out while Catholic missionaries, rescue parties and his dad finally track him down.

You can likely draw a line between Terror in the Jungle and the mondo genre and later Italian cannibal flicks. True, there’s no actual cannibalism depicted here (after all, it was 1967), but there were rumors spread on that ill-fated flight and the Peruvian natives do sport Marky Ramone coifs, a la Dr Butcher MD and some of the later cannibal exploitation films.

A truly oddball film, Terror in the Jungle never explains what happens to the people on board the plane who weren’t named Henry. Good for several laughs.

*** (out of 5)

Hard to Kill

Hard_To_Kill“Gonna take you to the bank…the BLOOD bank” sounds like it’s straight from the marble mouth of Rainier Wolfcastle, but it can only be one man — Seagal. He’s Hard to Kill. And hard to miss as well. He’s the real “Il Divin Codino,” or “divine ponytail,” the nickname bestowed upon Italian soccer hero of lore, Roberto Baggio. His magic mane contains all his combined sure-shot / martial arts / Lothario powers.

Here, everyone’s favorite ethnically ambiguous aikido low-talker is kicking ass and taking names (and also fact-checking those names against a database, and kicking those people’s asses again just to be certain).

And if you’re gonna kick ass and take names, what better name to have than MASON STORM????

Hard to Kill is the apotheosis of moron 90s ass-kicking action films, where a svelte and shockingly lithe Steven is a hard-bitten LAPD detective.

Much like Chuck Norris’ The Hitman, Storm is attacked and left for dead…and he makes a near-miraculous recovery, but not before morphing into Rasputin the Mad Monk while lying in a hospital bed. (What? they don’t cut patients’ hair who’ve been in a coma? What kind of long-term care facility is this?)

Luckily, nursing him back to health is none other than Kelly Le Brock, Seagal’s then wife.

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Walon from The Wire (Steve Earle) wants his look back.

When he comes to, and not realizing what presidential administration is in power, he does what many an action hero is compelled to do: go through an elaborate training montage set to piercing vibrato guitar.

Back in fighting form, he tracks down the mob bag-men and corrupt cops who tried to do him in (and there’s a subplot with his son, but who gives a crap about that really?) And naturally, he gets help from a partner cop everyone in the viewing audience knows is doomed to eat lead.

This is where we get Seagal in limb akimbo aikido mode. Every third-rate henchman better watch out for some leg sweeps as Storm is kicking up…a…well…Storm.

It’s sad what Seagal’s become: barrel-shaped and sounding like he’s born in the Bayou instead of the south — of Michigan. We’ve subjected ourselves to Submerged and Half-Past Dead (two films that accurately describe his latest career choices) and regretted both. Here though, however, it’s full bore Seagal assault mode. And Hard to Kill has the greatest acupuncture scene in cinema history.

Glorious fun.

***3/4 (out of 5)