Virus Undead

VIRUS_UNDEADBilled as The Birds meets Outbreak, Virus Undead, aka Beast Within is definitely for the birds. And it’s no break out hit for director Wolf Wolff, at least in the opinion of this reviewer, Chris Chriss. It’s more Birdemic-ally inclined.

In Cracked’s 5 Annoying Trends That Make Every Movie Look the Same, they (rightly) pointed out that for whatever reason, “there’s some unwritten rule that horror movies should be blue…”

Virus Undead is blue as blue can be, or “sehr blau,” washing out the German countryside and giving it a drab sameness that off-the-bat, relegates this to horror tedium/obscurity/purgatory.

The plot’s fairly straightforward: An aged researcher dies on his castle estate, killed by birds. Media erroneously reports that he succumbed to Alzheimer’s.

His grandson, doomed to living in the shadow cast by this giant in the field of biology, and a group of friends, go over to the deceased’s pad to clear out his belongings and naturally, to party (as it’s a cool big ol’ house). En route on a booze run, they pick up some girls at the local gas station and invite them along. They then get into a rough patch with a townie goon and his buddy – luckily for them – soon interrupted by a donut-munching member of the constabulary.

It should be said that while this is clearly a German production with German actors, and German cultural signposts (a snack bar is an “Imbiss”), they all speak in slightly off idiomatic Americanisms. For example, when one of the peckish dudes gets to the old house, he orders takeout asking directory assistance for “fast food delivery” options in the area. Nobody, and we mean nobody, uses the term “fast food” unless it’s in a pejorative sense. Certainly not with respect to a night’s dinner choices.

Still, a mostly capable German cast speaking English can’t be faulted for the mess that surrounds them.

BEAST_WITHINThe old house seems to lack electricity, at least minus the sparks created when the two girls pair up with the two guys, leaving their poor friend, dorky med student Eugene, to his own devices.

The weirdo outcast finds a gun on the property and goes out to shoot bottles in the woods. He accidentally shoots a fanged creature instead.

The goons return with a score to settle, and they’re sporting weird rashes and behaving even more aggressively than even your average goon.

The entire group soon find out that there’s bigger fish to fry, or, er…in this case a disease that’s being passed from birds, causing bodies to re-animate.

And they have to do whatever it takes to survive.

This reviewer didn’t survive until the end of Virus Undead, or Beast Within. So you’ll have to accept the above, a synopsis of the first interminable 64 or so minutes.

*1/2 (out of 5)

Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys

BLOOD_LAKE“Enjoy all that summer has to offer in Michigan!” This, as Blood Lake begins with an aerial shot of a California mountain range with palm trees aplenty. At least wait until PAST the 15:00 minute mark to Ed Wood us, people. Jeez Louise.

The lamprey population in a local river, “is way above normal.” What’s below normal is the script, which is lazy, gutless and joyless (or um, jawless given the creature in this feature).

It’s peppered with simmering repartee like: “Is that your brother? He looks happy!” This is a a remedial screenwriting ploy to get boyfriend and girlfriend, who should be wholly indifferent to the needs of an 8-year old, to pay attention to the cute little tyke playing on the beach…as something sinister is about to happen.

But Jaws this ain’t. It’s not even an Orca.

Blood Lake lurches from scene to scene like a flatbed stuck between gears.

And lest you think the players are above the material…

Michael (Jason Brooks) is a wildlife officer and his wife Cate is Shannen Doherty, of 90210 infamy. Kudos to the practical effects team for keeping her this well-preserved. The mayor of the town is Christopher Lloyd, the indelible Reverend Jim from Taxi and it nearly goes without saying, Doc from Back to the Future…and he’s bloody awful.

No A for artistry, no Lampr-A for effort. That sad little pun is a tribute to the invisible-to-the-naked-eye level of creativity that went into the project.

BLOOD_LAKE_movie
He’s no Bartholomew M. Quint.

Officials need to fix dam turbines to keep the invasive species at bay, as certain varieties “can be very aggressive.”

Lampreys soon lay waste to the townsfolk, as they aren’t the passive parasites those of us who live on the Great Lakes have come to know and loathe. They slither about quite quickly and the grudging one star below is for the decent CG effects.

While lamprey populations balloon, it seems like we in the natural horror world are running low on aquatic attack species. Excuse us as we retire to our laptops to hammer out the definitive sea anemone feature. It’ll be called Public Anemone Number 1. You heard it here first people.

F*ck off everyone involved with Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys, except for maybe craft services, drivers, makeup and grips.

Easily one of the worst horrors you’ll ever see.

* (out of 5)