Really Awful Movies

A guy who cranked out episodes of coming-of-age suburban dramas like The Wonder Years and Dawson’s Creek, might not be the first choice to helm an installment of one of horror’s most beloved franchises, but there you go. Steve Miner was put in the major role of masterminding Halloween H20: 20 Years Later, and while by no means a classic for the ages, it has enough oomph and thrills that it’s a worthy enough successor to the John Carpenter original.* And the jump scares feel earned.

What really works is the performances.

Horror films, particularly 80s slashers (the kind Halloween, the original, left in its wake) were not exactly known for their robust ensemble casts. Here, you get the always exemplary/dependable Michelle Williams (ooh, a Dawson’s Creek tie-in), a terrific Josh Hartnett, and of course, Jamie Lee Curtis reprising Laurie Strode. Also, there’s the bonus of an awesome dispatching of triple-threat Joseph Gordon Levitt, who meets his maker in the most Canadian of fashion.**

Halloween H20: 20 Years Later focuses on a PTSD Laurie Strode, whose son John + classmates are trying to get out of a prep school sojourn to Yosemite Park, so they can get down to what teens always wanna do: throw a party in their parents’ absence and get down to friskiness/drunkenness.

Meanwhile, Michael Myers is on the loose, doing what The Shape does best: decreasing the life expectancy of everyone within the immediate vicinity.

What’s particularly cool is the score by John Ottman, a composer who’s done a bunch of stellar work on the likes of The Usual Suspects, Lake Placid, and The Cable Guy…

And no, Steve Miner not John Carpenter, and seemingly every reviewer on Rotten Tomatoes feels compelled to point out. But really, who is?

Halloween H20 is better than it has any right to be…And that’s all we can typically hope for as sequel after endless horror sequel leaves the assembly line. It’s basically quality control, right?

*** (out of 5)

*Please see our review of the terrible Rob Zombie Halloween reboot

**This killing made it into our book, Death by Umbrella! The 100 Weirdest Horror Movie Weapons!

With more bungled police work than the entire Amanda Knox case, this Italian crime curiosity is notable for showcasing some of the hallmark gore Maestro Lucio Fulci would later bring to the big screen in The Beyond and City of the Living Dead.

Don’t Torture a Duckling, aka Non si sevizia un paperino, like the later New York Ripper, also features Donald Duck; however, it’s in passing reference, and not as a key killer character trait (the killer in the latter adopting that quacky voice to thwart NYPD detectives, which has haunted horror hounds since 1982).

Here, the fictional small town of Accendura is rocked by the death of three local rapscallions, Bruno, Michele, and Tonino. What ensues is a media circus not unlike the one cartwheeling weirdo Amanda Knox brought to the city of Perugia (where the giallo, Torso, is set, incidentally).

Martelli (Cuban-born Italian genre stalwart Tomas Milian) is a big-city journalist who brings gumption and Burton Cummings facial hair to the town, asking probing questions and eventually befriending a nympho Milanese supermodel, Patrizia (Barbara Bouchet, see accompanying poster) and a priest (as one does) to get to to the bottom of the killings.

Don’t Torture a Duckling, released by Arrow on Blu-ray, features a number of hilarious set-pieces, and enough weirdness to carry the day.

This includes: a village idiot and peeping Tom, Giuseppe (taunted by the boys in a truly bizarre set-up involving ladies of the evening retiring to a country shack); some of the most laughable exposition you’ll ever see (even for an Italian horror), Voodoo dolls; and yes, Patrizia securing Orangina* from a youngster while she reclines in the buff (again, see accompanying poster).

Fulci fans will forgive a veritable Smørrebrød of pickled red herrings, as he is able to create some unforgettable elements (as usual) and enough to keep the viewer engaged.

Of particular note, the incredible score by Grammy winner Riziero Ortolani, who provided the soundtrack to our nightmares in Cannibal Holocaust (1980), House on the Edge of the Park (1980) and Madhouse (1981).

*** (out of 5)

[Check out our Don’t Torture a Duckling discussion on the Really Awful Movies Podcast!]

*a delicious, lightly carbonated Italian fruit drink.