Splatter University

splatter_university_posterNot to be confused with Murder University (for which regular readers of this site would be forgiven), Splatter University features a doctor getting stabbed in the crotch in the first two minutes (although the thrust doesn’t even breach his underwear, which is probably made out of the same material as an airplane’s black box).

A 1984 slasher directed by Richard W. Haines, who did the weirdly compelling Charles Kaufman Troma pic Mother’s Day, Splatter University follows the exploitative exploits of none other than an escaped mental patient.

And it’s not like anyone’s ever seen that before.

The knife-wielding loon proceeds to roam the hallowed halls of St. Trinians University, the confines of which looking less like an institute of higher learning and more like somewhere you’d register for a parking permit or start up a telemarketing scheme spearheaded by Alec Baldwin.

At Trinians, a very young Julie Parker who’s graduated cum laude (in what, it’s not stated) has accepted a role as faculty in the Sociology Department. If there’s any discipline that would accept someone with questionable qualifications, it’s that one.

And there’s a rumor going around that the newly-minted Professor Parker’s lecture hall…is “jinxed,” something that the school’s monsignors are reluctant to discuss. You see, the previous guest lecturer’s tenure was “cut” short.

splatter_university_movie

I hate to break it to you, but Trinian isn’t even a real saint!

In true 80s slasher fashion, there’s a lecher (Tony), a dumb frat guy who’s selling mid-term answers for $10 bucks a pop (Johnny Boy), lots of red herrings, and sassy language galore.

However, the nudity that can usually be counted to liven things up during dull narrative stretches is replaced here by denim rump-shaking rockabilly music.

As the body count increases (mostly… yawn…cutaway kills), Professor Parker and her students can’t find a safe space.

Splatter University comes alive for a few minutes with a score that occasionally sounds a lot like the exemplary Troma vetsploitation, Combat Shock, but otherwise, this is weak tea by even low slasher boom standards.

*1/2 (out of 5)

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