The Cottage

The_COTTAGETwo bickering brother kidnappers argue about tea and bugs while at, well, The Cottage.

One nebbish (“I don’t like lying!”) and one self-styled tough (“stop whining and sort yourself out”), have kidnapped a blonde hottie Tracy, who’s been knocked out with chloroform and is snoozing in their trunk.

After she comes to she head-butts one of them smack dab in the kisser breaking his nose, the brothers argue about the finer points of putting the fear of god into someone clearly fearless: “You couldn’t scare a child in the dark!”

They phone her father demanding a ransom and her step brother, with whom they’re in cahoots, agrees to deliver the bag of money: one problem, it’s all tissue paper. This puts the son’s life in danger as the hostage’s father is an underworld figure who runs a strip club (perhaps not someone you’d be too keen on extorting, but why quibble?)

Cottage_movieIn this Hitchcockian black comedy farce, Tracy soon frees herself from her captors and they’re chasing her through a hick hamlet in Yorkshire. Soon soon they all have bigger fish and chips to fry: there’s a deranged disfigured farmer, holed up in a creepy farmhouse who’s fashioned masks a la the family in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Soon, the criminal element is running for their lives, getting its comeuppance and their captive is…well…we can’t spoil too much.

A genre film caper combined with a straight-ahead slasher this is an odd duck, IMDb critics have complained that The Cottage has a foot in two camps.

However, cracker-jack dialogue (one of the kidnappers, Reece Shearsmith, played Mark in Shaun of the Dead) and irresistible energy keep things humming along. Plus, there are amazing things done with pickaxes. A bloody good time.

*** (out of 5)

Published by Really Awful Movies

Genre film reviewers covering horror and action films. Books include: Mine's Bigger Than Yours! The 100 Wackiest Action Movies and Death by Umbrella! The 100 Weirdest Horror Movie Weapons.

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