Really Awful Movies

A bunch of Italians speaking dubbed English are invited to a Berlin cinema (we kid, only because we love) in Demons. It’s an invite-only screening with tickets handed out near a deserted S-Bahn station by a guy in a rather creepy mask. He’s asked by a rather attractive college, “Cheryl”, “Are you dressed like this for the promotion of the film?” To which he answers…well, he doesn’t answer as this is foreshadowing!

Perhaps sensing something amiss, as would be your wont if you were accosted near a deserted train station by a guy wearing a mask, Cheryl conscripts her friend to accompany her (“You sure you want to cut class? I’ll hold your hand if it’s scary!”)

And scary it is. And that’s just the audience, which comprises an elderly couple, some preppy frat guys, an Italian Lou Reed doppelganger, a pimp, a couple of hookers – in short, a motley crew of people (more on that later).

The film screening seems to be a real winner. A trio of friends come upon a tomb and really, the dialogue speaks for itself:

Friend 1: “Hey, it’s an old book and something wrapped in cloth” (which turns out to be…ding ding ding! A mask)

Friend 2: [re, the book] “it says here that demons are instruments of evil!” (Editors’ note: no shit Sherlock!)

One of the intrepid friends puts on the mask:

Friend 3: “Trick or treat.”
Friend 2: “Don’t do that!”

And later:

Friend 2: “Whoever wears it becomes a demon!”
Friend 3: “How do you know?”
Friend 2: “It says here, ‘whoever wears it becomes a demon!'”

Absolutely cracking dialogue!

Anyway, in Demons, which Lamberto Bava (son of Mario) says is the favorite film he’s ever done, the protagonist in the movie trailer starts bleeding after putting on the mask. And wouldn’t you know it, the audience treated to this freebie (and are regretting it), start exhibiting the symptoms! And then they’re transformed into hideous demons who tear each other apart.

In the book, 150 Movies You Should Die Before You See it says the story “was an optional extra and what the audience needed was a string of transformations and violent murders to be satisfied…” AND?????

It all culminates in one of the frat guys, swinging a sword while riding a motorcycle through the theatre with Cheryl, chopping up demons, to the soundtrack of…Motley Crue. You see what we did there?

Just great. Good loud gory fun, co-written and produced by the legendary king of giallo Dario Argento.

***1/2 (out of 5)

CHECK OUT OUR DISCUSSION OF DEMONS ON THE REALLY AWFUL MOVIES PODCAST.

In Slumber Party Massacre II we had an electrical guitar with a drill attached to it. Now, we can add a horn section to our murder band in The Town That Dreaded Sundown (1976), which features a trombone knife. Holy In-N-Out Burgers, we didn’t see that one coming.

In a post-war post-Roosevelt South, a town that straddles the Texas / Arkansas border, Texarkana, is plagued by a lascivious lunatic lacerating lads and ladies on Lovers’ Lane. The masked killer is quickly dubbed “The Phantom,” cops order a media clampdown and the town becomes the centre of a national news firestorm.

In true police procedural style, which we can trace like chalk outlines all the way to today in a show like Criminal Minds, one Captain Morales is brought in from The Big City to take over the investigation from townie rubes the likes of which would usually proclaim “dem Duke boys are in a lot of trouble!” in Hazzard county, a couple of states over. What we’re left with is a film that’s as undeniably creepy as it is campy, complete with portentous Dragnet voice-overs (“Western Union stopped evening deliveries!” “townsfolk stopped sitting by their windows!”), banjo music and police chases where the cops end up to their waists in muck.

And, we’re treated to the helpful intonations from local prison psychiatrist Dr. Kress (whose awkward restaurant entrance is preceded by “oh, there he is now!”).

These include [the Phantom]: “he’s definitely a sadist…”he’s abnormal!” and to Captain Morales:

“I guess you realize the odds are at least 2 to 1 against you that he’ll never be caught” (?)

Have no fear, Morales, played by Ben Johnson, not to be confused with the disgraced Canadian Olympic sprinter — an honest mistake — is on the case (“that murdering pervert could be passing us on the street ten times a day!”).

The Phantom is the antecessor to the likes of Messrs.’ Voorhees, Myers, etc. But unlike some of his later 80s brethren, his kills are all unique and his MO different every time. We’ve got cords, bare hands, pick-axes, pistols with silencers, pipes and yes, a trombone knife.

Let’s just say the film was very very loosely based on the actual phantom killer murders from 1946. A Texarkana journalist and University of Oklahoma professor Dr. Robert Kerr, said of the “dreadful little horror,” “poetic license has rarely been stretched so thin.”

That’s why we got a brass band murder weapon when in actuality, the victim played the saxophone, which went missing for months following the killing.

Still, the film is deeply atmospheric, rich and a minor classic from the era. And like all minor classics, The Town That Dreaded Sundown was remade.

*** 1/2 (out of 5…**** for its undeniable influence)