Really Awful Movies

Not to be confused with seitan, a pretty evil wheat gluten meat substitute, Seytan is a Turkish Exorcist knock-off. And it’s considerably less evil.

The print is yellower than a jaundiced Big Bird but that’s probably the least of its problems.

Seytan is pretty much a scene-for-scene remake of the Friedkin classic but with changes to make it palatable cross-culturally.

Instead of a Captain Howdy, the possessed girl speaks to one Captain Lersen with a rolled “r” and the effects are sourced straight out of the cinematic equivalent of a Sunday garage sale.

The unforgettable Jason Miller as Father Karras is now an imminently forgettable eminent psychiatrist.

Seytan_movie — Tugrul made tough choices, but we mustn’t forget about Ekrem, poor Ekrem.

Since it’s Turkish, Roman Catholicism is substituted for Islam and the attending exorcist calls out for Allah to save the poor girl (who strangely still communicates in Latin, hilariously rendered in some kind of quasi French subtitle).

A crucifix scene substitute is a glaring omission [Editors’ note: they could’ve used those Muslim prayer beads, known as tesbih in Turkey] but it’s not surprising that some of the more controversial moments from the original were excised. Hell, the girl’s language would barely raise an eyebrow at a Mormon breakfast as “bastard” is as far as they’ll go.

Mike Oldfield’s classic “Tubular Bells” is shamelessly used not once, but at least a dozen times. If you’re going to gamble this large on copyright infringement, might as well go all in.

For the dozen of you who are interested, there’s also an Indian version which is another re-Bhoot (Bhoot being Hindi for a supernatural creature and is also a Bollywood horror, minus the tunes. Jadu Tona is another Hindi language possession film for the one remaining reader whose eyes haven’t glazed over).

Uncharitably described as a turkey from Turkey on Amazon, it’s hopefully the last Exorcist rip-off to which we’ll bear witness (see the Blaxploitation version, Abby).

*1/2 (out of 5)

The phrase “C’mon, where’s your sense of adventure?” is a pretty strong indicator a character will soon meet with bodily harm [Editors’ note: your sense of adventure? It’s always in the last place you look]

In many of these films, the script’s a stagnant pool — but thanks to John Sayles (he of Alligator and The Howling) things flow smoothly in Piranha.

When an amorous couple go missing in a California resort town, an insurance investigator (Maggie) is called in and enlists the help of a crusty guide (Paul), in this, an homage to 50s B conventions:

Paul: If they had drowned in here, wouldn’t their bodies be floating on top by now?
Maggie: No, not necessarily…It takes a while for the body to bloat with gas.
Paul: Nice business you’re in!

While on the hunt, the duo stumbles upon Operation Razorteeth, a secret government military program to destroy enemy river systems, sentineled by a female scientist and graduate of the George Zimmerman School of Security Guarding — attack first and ask questions later.

They manage to subdue her after a skirmish, but not before accidentally draining a pool at the test site. And we know what’s in that pool! You see, it was part of a plot to develop killer fish that would live in any type of water, which, as far as plots go doesn’t seem as efficacious as developing an airborne virus that would reign down a plague on your enemies.

Still, the fish manage to wrack up a high body count including a dog, that scientist, a black fisherman who bemoans the lack of quality, domestically-produced fishing nets (when his mesh is chewed through he proclaims “Taiwanese-made crap”. Ah globalization) and lots of people unlucky enough to be downstream.

Like Humanoids from the Deep, this is another Corman homage to The Creature from the Black Lagoon complete with amoral corporate interests:

“I remember you. You were big news for about 15 minutes or so. You lost that case against the Save the Gay, Feminist Cambodian Whale Group that shut down the smelting plant. Now you figured you’d get payback against us corporate types!”

There’s a high body count, gobs of nudity and crackerjack dialogue: “The piranha are coming! You’ve got to believe me!”

***1/2 (out of 5)