Conan the Barbarian

Sword and sandals, vixens, Vandals…however, Conan the Barbarian is more than just Arnold Schwarzenegger taking a broadsword to baddies…it’s a bundle of thrills, stuffed to the brim with as many ancient myths as humanly possible.

At its heart, it’s a son avenging the death of his father, which we can trace back to Homeric times (Orestes) and all the way up to The Princess Bride (Inigo Montoya) or The Godfather 2 (Vito Corleone).

And when pops is killed, mom shepherds Conan away to safety like the Arthurian legend of Lancelot (and that’s just one of the innumerable Knights of the Round Table nods).

The culprits? A vicious army of black-clad cavalrymen who look like they’ve got horseshoes on top of their heads, led by the one, the only, floor-shaking CNN voice, James Earl Jones (sporting a ludicrous Planet of the Apes mullet-extension wig). He plays Thulsa Doom, a wham-bam villain name if there ever was one, which could easily double as a death metal act or a motorcycle stunt driver.

The village’s sons/daughters are sold into slavery, and Conan is put to work as a mill grinder (which accounts for his ridiculously pumped up physique. Queue the latest late-night infomercial fitness fad: Grain Mill Pushing DVDs?).

Conan grows up to become a gladiatorial warrior, besting all the competition in pit fighting clashes to the death.

After he’s accidentally released, he connects with a couple of thieves (Subothai and Valeria), turning Conan the Barbarian into a buddy pic. Together, they help our heroic strongman solve the mystery of exactly who the black-clad villains were who killed Conan’s father.

This involves a sinister snake cult and its white-shawled acolytes (and Egyptian myths aplenty) and lots of ass-kicking by Conan.

Co-written by of all people, Oliver Stone, Conan the Barbarian wears its heart on its jerkin arms, celebrating its pulp origins.

*** 1/2 (out of 5)

[Be sure to check out the Really Awful Movies Podcast for a discussion of Conan the Barbarian]

Don’t Look in the Basement

Not nearly as fun as Etta James’ floor shaker, In the Basement, this is a movie that’s ostensibly got something to do with a basement. And it kinda does. Very very tangentially, and not nearly as much as James’ song. Don’t Look in the Basement is also known as The Forgotten, which is a real soft ball title to lob a critic’s way.

Stephens Sanitarium is an understaffed healthcare facility overseen by one (almost literally one) Dr. Stephens. When he’s given the axe, so to speak, by one of the patients, the place is short-staffed. That’s where Charlotte Beale (Rosie Holotik from Horror High) comes in. She’s a nurse and new hire, who’s (barely) shown the ropes by attending physician Dr. Geraldine Masters, a possible veiled reference to researchers Masters and Johnson perhaps? Dr Livingstone we presume?

This is a genre one might call, “psychsploitation” in that the treatment of the mentally ill is rather…how shall we put it? Out of fashion. Then again, the psychiatric profession has a lot to answer for. Not to get all Tom Cruise, but it’s not too many generations ago where lobotomies* were the order of the day.

That might be an explanation as to why this thing is so odd. Of course, this was the 70s and that was definitely an “experimental” time for movies. And we’re just talking about the drugs.

In Don’t Look in the Basement, poor African American Sam, in a state of perma-infantalization, suffered through the hideous lobotomy procedure (though the ice pick was not depicted on screen). He’s left to play with a toy boat.

The rest of the hospice residents are filled out with a guy who thinks he’s a judge (played by Gene Ross of The Goonies), a nympho, a crazed ginger, an elderly lady with unhinged coif there purely for Margaret Atwood hair jump scares, a man who lost his platoon and still thinks he’s at war, and assorted other out-of-date and yet fascinating depictions of the mentally ill.

This movie is quirky and definitely worth a look.

*** (out of 5)

[CHECK OUT OUR PODCAST DISCUSSION OF DON’T LOOK IN THE BASEMENT ON THE REALLY AWFUL MOVIES PODCAST!]

[*Editors’ note: Surgical pioneer Walter Freeman, even drove around the countryside in a mobile / recreational vehicle doing the grisly procedure!]