Decent recent Christmas horrors

Christmas horrors have proliferated like Black Friday deals – but unfortunately, they’re often associated with a lot more buyers’ remorse.

Typically pun- and kill-filled, there’s frequently little in the way of atmosphere or foreboding – witness the aggressively terrible It’s a Wonderful Knife or Santa’s Slay, a clear nadir for poor James Caan, who at least had the good sense to be uncredited so people could scrub Sonny Corleone getting offed by a ‘roided up WWE grappler in felt from their memories.

But let’s give credit where it’s due.

Christmas Bloody Christmas

With a title like this, you’d probably think straight-ahead slasher.

However, working in its favor is its Robocop/M3GAN/new Child’s Play-styled corporate liability / tech-gone-wrong conceit.

In the film, an animatronic Santa is the subject of a nationwide recall. Not before long, one of the jolly fat men malfunctions and begins acting naughty, if you’ll forgive the anthropomorphism.

Soon, vinyl collecting too-cool-for-school types are given a Kris Kringle comeuppance as the snow falls and the blood flies.

Christmas Bloody Christmas is a dumb as they come, but has a strangely endearing quality and DIY indie sensibility.

P2

Frenchman Alexandre Aja is basically a stamp of approval when you see his name in the credits, whether he’s donning a writer, producer or director chapeau.

While hardly an indisputable genius like a Cronenberg or Carpenter, he’s as dependable as they come: Aja gave us the wildly creative Haute Tension and the better than it ought to have been remake of The Hills Have Eyes, not the mention the fun creature feature Crawl. He also produced and co-wrote the solid Maniac reboot, and did the same for P2.

P2 is set on Christmas Eve, where a Manhattan cubicle drone is pulling a late night at the office. She ventures into the parking garage – the key-clutching cliché locale for victims to be menaced. And sure enough, she finds herself prey to a security guard hunter.

Better Watch Out and Violent Night

If you really think about it, the whole premise of Santa Claus is basically a home invasion.

Considering the cheap holiday slasher cash-ins that comprise the bulk of Christmas horror features, give these two films some kudos – maybe in the form of a gift card – for tackling the idea, albeit in very different ways.

Better Watch Out is a cute capable inversion of the home invasion film, with a babysitter defending a young charge against intruders and way more Home Alone than Straw Dogs. Violent Night, meanwhile, features Santa Claus mounting a defense against a group of mercenaries breaking into a wealthy family home.

Check these out, and of course, subscribe to the Really Awful Movies Podcast.

Primal Rage

“I’m a rageaholic! I just can’t live without rageahol!” Ok, that’s The Simpsons, but speaking of indispensable entertainment – at least as far as readers of this site or listeners of the Really Awful Movies Podcast are concerned – Umberto Lenzi is one of the creative forces behind Primal Rage. As writer, Lenzi’s insane Italian sensibilities are blanketed all over this one, and in the best way possible.

We’re in Florida, home base for other bedlamite Italian co-productions like Nightmare Beach and The Last Shark, and on the campus of what looks like – or is at least meant to be – Florida International University.

Professor Etheridge is played by the towering figure of Swedish genre legend, Bo Svenson (complete with asinine miniature ponytail). He is doggedly testing a mysterious protein on baboons in a lab, meant to reverse the symptoms of Alzheimer’s. Speaking of which, who would possibly otherwise forget the insane creature feature Bo starred in, Snowbeast?

The professor has to contend with university bureaucracy which hilariously give the doc “two months” to generate lab results or they’ll pull his funding. That’s not how science – or research grants – work, bucko.

Throwing a monkey wrench, as it were, into the proceedings is Duffy, a dogged, self-styled new journalist a la Truman Capote, Gay Talese or Hunter Thompson, who slings ink for the campus paper and is suspicious of goings on inside the lab. And he decides to drunkenly flout the law, journalistic integrity, etc., by breaking in – all in the service of a scoop.

After ornery simians bite the Duffster, he begins sporting open sores and developing, well, primal rage. And things go apeshit/haywire thereafter. Which won’t be unfamiliar to fans of Hell of the Living Dead, Rabid, Uninvited, Man’s Best Friend, Shakma, and probably 500 others.

What makes Primal Rage so fun is the coked out 80s touchpoints vomited all over the screen – from teased hair and leotards to scooters, jocks, nerds and absurdly menacing frat guys. It’s all dialed up to 12, forget 11, and when things get going, things get weird and very fun indeed. One of the better good-bad horror movies of all time.

***1/2 (out of 5)